Tryin' it on.

Everyone that knows me, and knows that I'm getting married this October, has asked, "So what's the dress like?" "Have you gotten the dress?" "Where's your freakin' dress?" To which I reply, "Meh--- ehm, I'm waiting to get into better shape**. I'm thinking I'll look in September."

Judging by the uniformly alarmed reactions to this statement-- "Dear, your lack of urgency is troubling..."-- I've decided to start looking, concertedly, for a dress. Size bedamned, there are some skilled seamstresses in my circle, and my proportions, fortunately, always remain the same no matter.

Today I went out with my future mom-in-law to a vintage wedding dress boutique in town. (This is where my camera being compatible with my interim computer would come in handy). They had quite a few gowns from the 1930's there, however all long-sleeved (but that's never stopped me before!)

Handy visual aid. Indication #1 you're gonna feel crusty on your wedding day.

To my dismay, the one with the most promise had a huge water stain on the bottom (supposedly it'll come out with some expert TLC, but I'm not gonna take a $600 chance) and a dime-sized hole on the rump. The final, mental "no" came when the salesperson tried to convince me to buy it by telling me I was lucky that there were any gowns from the Thirties in my size (an 8-10). Well, I believe, suh, that there are plenty of vintage gowns out there in Size Sexy that aren't riddled with ugly. So bitch, please.

Peach Scaled and Floral Dress with Navy and Clear Rhinestone Straps at The Frock. Missa, my fluttering heart eternally thanks you for introducing me to this site!

Most of these dresses cost upwards of $2000, however, but the above confection clocks in at a cool $1450 (though that's reeeaally stretching it for me), and, is in my size. I absolutely love the scale pattern on the satin. Plus, it's peach, which, despite what Carole Jackson might think, is a lovely color on yours truly. The colors for the big occasion are navy, peach and silver, and this dress is a) peach, and b) has navy and clear rhinestones for straps. Heaven can be so very apropos.

I'd like a vintage gown, mostly because I believed they were a less-expensive alternative to new, and a bit more special. However, the more I look into them, the more they seem to me like buying lotion at the thrift store. A wedding dress is supposed to feel like a luxury, but when the tulle is crusty and the satin, torn or stained, it feels more gross than glamorous. I am slowly but surely considering New, especially now that I've found quite a few under $400 that perfectly channel the 1930's.

Adriana Papell Beaded Gown from dillards.com

It's too bad that there is no rear-view of this stunner (which my sweetay loveloveloves)... however, it is only $240 and can be returned to the store if it doesn't suit my needs. One idea of mine is to buy two of these dresses, the second one in the largest size. With the larger dress, I would have the beaded trim cut away and used to create a dramatic, low cowled back to the dress I would actually wear.

Calvin Klein Pleated Matte Jersey Dress at nordstrom.com

Though jersey is not necessarily my favorite alternative to satin, in quite a few bridal instances, it has some definite appeal. I simply love the elegant, simple shape to this dress. I contacted the Nordstrom Live Help to ask about the particulars, and, as it turns, when I receive the dress I can simply go to the store and have their tailoring staff work their magic on it. Which, in this case would involve making the back v-necked, and adding a type of peach sash to the middle portion, all without adding much to the cost of the dress. Plus, you can get your money back if it's not what you had in mind (pre-alteration, of course).

Here are a couple of others... while they come from an online-only store, they do have very accomodating policies and a gazillion testimonials. Plus, their warehouse is 70 miles away from me, so I feel a bit more secure. I know where you live!

Lola Dress bridalonlinestore.com

Poor prop aside, I'm feelin' this dress. The waterstained one at the vintage wedding gown store would have looked exactly like this, after alteration to sleeve length and neckline depth. And, because for me, the back carries a bit more weight to me than the front:

I absolutely adore the crossed back, and the train flows amazingly... even though I'm looking for a dress without a train, for ease of dancing. And trust, there will be dancing. I've got my guitarist dad and violinist brother on tap to do the ceremony, and a soundtrack featuring Rocky Horror Picture Show's "Time Warp" for the reception. Y'know, it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane.

Chloe Dress bridalonlinestore.com

Love everything about the neckline and knotted straps, but a bit iffy on the waist area, which might be great with an added inset or sash, or by strict adherence to P90-X. And, at around $300, a helluva deal. And check the back--


Duh-ramz!!! So romantic! And it reminds me of my favorite bird, the Quetzal. A bit too risque, perhaps? If I buy this gown and send the site a testimonial picture, it will be this exact same one, staring into a lone rose against a school-portrait background. Thanks for the memories!

And now, because I'd like to infect you with alternately with happiness and derision, the "Time Warp".




** In regards to the double-starred sentence in the first paragraph: Whenever I hear of someone losing weight for a wedding, I always find myself thinking, "Lose weight for your life!" But, having become immune to anti-cheesecake propoganda, I find myself at a crossroads and definitely have been distantly wanting to re-evaluate my relationship with health and fitness. An impending wedding is merely icing on the cake (mmm...cake...) in my decision to begin the grueling P90-X program on Monday. It's pretty intense, but I'm ready and feel good about it.