"We tried nuthin' and we're all outta ideas."

Does this describe your last-minute "panic-but not really-but yeah now I'm actually panicking" approach to finding a Halloween costume? Yeah. Me too. I really want to be a bunch of grapes -- but there aren't any purple balloons in this town! Although, I think I must be onto something with this grapes idea; a friend of mine newly announced that he was going as a bunch of grapes. To this I said, "Move over, honey, you better go as some Arbor Mist if you know what's good for ya!" ...He may be having the last laugh.

Here, my quick, cheap and dirty guide to (nay, last-minute brainstorm of) half-assed Halloween costumes.

Choices and Lifestyles.



Crappy clothes + eyeliner-drawn stubble = Hobo

Black skinny jeans + black turtleneck + book + cigarette = Beatnik

Suspenders + straw hat + pipe + noncommittal attitude = Conscientious Objectioner


Got a sheet?




White sheet + one hole = Cyclops Ghost (or Amish Bedlinen)

Sheet + red cup = Frat boy


For the Politically Minded.





Red blazer + red skirt/dress + brown hair + glasses = Sarah Palin

Blazer + coordinating skirt/pants + blonde hair = Hillary Clinton

Capris + white knee-socks + ankle boots + button-up + books + belt-as-bookstrap = Child that has been Left Behind

Got a bike?



Short-sleeved, white oxford + black pants + bicycle = Mormon

Entirely red outfit + bicycle = Menstrual cycle?



Got a box?

Corporate Award. Attach yourself to someone who has demonstrated long-term, exceptional adherence to best practices.

Box + Colorful Marker Job + Nerdosity = Rubiks Cube
Box + Milk Art + Missing Person ad on the side = Milk Carton

Box Wine (I dare ya to Google Image "Franzia". I dare ya.)

Box + Liberal application of swirly pink paint + Sheet wrapped around yourself = Box of Tissues

Dreidel. Perhaps you could invite party guests to spin you for gelt?

Although, if I were a dreidel, I'd definitely want to be this one:


... but I'd definitely have to start this one on Labor Day...