Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I like to imagine I'm the Emily Post of Halloween.

I once said to a young man, "Halloween is my very favorite holiday." To which, in reply, he said, "Yes, Halloween is when girls dress slutty."

Cringe! Cover your Goblin! The only thing scary about these costumes is the overexposure of vaj and boobs--- and that's downright sexist when you think about it...

Yes, it is. Why? Because we live in a sexually repressed society where our inner slutitude can only be expressed on the one day of the year where people get to be something they're not.

This "dog as iPhone" is actually a rather clever waitress from Long Island City.

I say, goddamn it, we all know we're sexy betches, Halloween costumes should be grotesque, farcical or at least a convincing fake of something else (I was once an extremely convincing whigger for Halloween... these are the things you do when you grow up in Cincinnati).

Grotesque, frightening, and convincing!

Last year, my "Pregnant Britney Spears" costume was a huge success, and I'm having trouble deciding what to be this year. I'm thinking either...

"Lil Baby Sass" from "The Pick of Destiny"... need I say more?

Cheap, and awesome: wear a nude unitard and draw eyes on your hands.

Tangentially related to the eyeless monster, though not a reference to last year's movies, a bunch of grapes.

I've always wanted to be a bunch of grapes as a costume; it's a good excuse to buy purple tights and cover yourself in balloons. Also, the threat of having your balloons popped and revealing your "stem" is sexy in its own right, but in more of a "potential" kind of a way, not in a "Hey get out of my bedrooom, I'm about to do effin', oh wait, I'm on the street" kinda way. I think that going all the way and filling the balloons with a little bit of wine, just so that they couldn't say I didn't think of everything.

And here, for your viewing pleasure, a few old-timey costumes with modern appeal. This first one makes me want to get it blown up and printed out, poster size.

"The humans are dead."

I could rock the crap out of that onion costume...for extra effect-- and to make your costume not just a sight gag, but also a smell one, one could consume a bag of Funyuns before hitting the evening's parties.

So... have you thought about what you want to be for Halloween? If not, think now... I'm announcing a Halloween-themed contest soon!



The Paper Doll said...

Love this post - but we don't celebrate Halloween here, its more of an american thing. I tried trick or treating once here and people looked at me like i was strange and gave me fruit FRUIT!!!

Sal said...

Since you have just referenced "Pick of Destiny" AND FOTC in one post, you are officially my favorite person of the day.

We are Halloween losers at my house. We typically go to a movie, and no one throws parties. At least, not that we get invited to. If I were going to dress up, tho, I'd prolly be Frida: Load on the eyebrow pencil and big beads and go to town.

Caroline said...

I love Letty Lettuce.

Spandexpony said...

the_paper_doll: The only thing worse than fruit is a toothbrush! Our next door neighbor was a dentist and he always gave out toothbrushes... we never wanted to trick or treat there but mom made us so as not to be rude (and probably also to save our teeth!)

sal: guurrrrllll!! If you lived in my city I would invite your Frida self and your Diego to my H'ween party....

Caroline: Yes, some of the veggie costumes even seem downright fashionable!